This is a reflection on all my blogs,
even though I’m fairly certain I’m behind by three and don’t have much written
in each to make a super-blog about. Starting at the beginning, I have “Transition.”
When I wrote this blog, I was extremely stressed and I was contemplating
leaving college and going back home. I don’t know what made me stay, but I’m
glad I did:
So how am I a "not-so-typical
college student"? Well, first of all, I am more unhappy here at UNA than I
was in high school. Don't get me wrong, I despised high school. But I'm
miserable being away from home. I think being in the Honors program at UNA helps,
though. I see a lot of the same faces in several classes, and the classes are
small. But the pressure gets to me, my anxiety kicks in, my stress level
skyrockets, and the next thing I know, I'm on various nausea, gastric, and
anxiety medications. Pretty rough introduction of myself, I apologize. I'm not
a complete coward, I assure you. I WANT to fit in here. I want to be outgoing
and independent. Recently the Honors program took a trip to Memphis, where I
met new people and got to know them better. I made several friends, which
helped coax me out of my shell, and I found myself laughing and enjoying the
whole thing. Then, looking out across the river at the sunset, I felt like I
would be okay. So we got on a trolley and rode the city at night. I decided to
give college a chance and not quit before it even began. I think if I hadn't
gone to Memphis, I wouldn't still be at UNA. I would've bailed. I'm still not
certain about my future, whether I will stay at UNA or what I even want to
major in, but for now, I'm not going to give up so easily.
Looking back, “Transition” was a poor
way to introduce myself, despite the truth and honesty behind it. I can tell I
was at rock bottom. In “Values,” I feel like my mindset had improved a bit. I
had calmed down, but my thoughts were still jumbled:
Last week in class, we were presented
with a list of suggested values by which one may live. We were instructed to
select about ten or so of these values that are most important to us. We then
got in eight groups to review our choices and narrow the list down to no more
than seven values to present to the class. While most of the groups followed
directions literally, one group came out with a single value that they believed
to be the most important: love. While most of us probably took it as a joke, I
left the class with that idea on my mind. Everyone loves something, so
love does exist for everyone? I began to think about all the people in my life
and everything I do, and of course my reason for said things. Why does anyone
do anything? They have a goal, a dream. And they have these goals and dreams
because they love whatever those goals center around. Maybe they love money,
which would affect all of their values. They may value creativity and hard work
over friendships and honesty. I love my family and my few close friends, who
love me in return, therefore I value love itself and honesty. Maybe that goofy
group in class is on to something. Maybe all you need is love to be happy. It
just depends on what you love: money, power, family, etc, that will determine
your other values in life.
Leave it to me to find a joke
philosophical. But the best discoveries were made by accident, like chips and
cookies. If you’re trying to be a jerk by slicing someone’s fries paper thin
when they complain that they’re too thick, you create a new food group for
college football fans and barbecue-loving rednecks. If you’re trying to be cute
in class by quoting The Beatles, you inspire someone. Next, we have “College and
Career”:
Last week, our class heard a lecture on
STEM majors: science, technology, engineering, and mathematics. Apparently
there is a high demand in America for people pursuing those careers and not
enough people to fill the jobs. This was very interesting to me because my
original major of choice was environmental science before I went to orientation
and changed it to..communications? I don't even know what my major currently
is. However, I will definitely reconsider environmental science. If I can make
60k a year right out of college with a Bachelor's degree, I'm going for it! I
spent the past weekend at home with my parents and high school friends, whom I
miss terribly. I went to the annual band exhibition and saw my old high school
marching band's show, and I hugged everyone. I'm getting used to being up here,
and it doesn't feel so bad to leave home after my visits. People keep telling
me I'll love college, and I hope I eventually will. Maybe once the weather gets
cold and stays cold, I'll be less irritable. Cold weather always lifts my
spirits. Crossing my fingers..
I was correct about the weather. Since
it’s cooled off, I’ve felt less anxious. I remember being indecisive about my
major. I went from environmental science to culinary arts to communications. Now
I’m accounting, and I feel more comfortable with that than with the others. “Courage”
is the next post:
The Honorable Gilbert P.
Self, Circuit Court Judge spoke to our forum class this week about courage: the
courage to do the right thing and pursue our goals. I'm not one for
motivational speaking, but coming from a man who deals with the scum of the
earth, I feel like he would know all about courage. Courage is something
everyone needs, especially college students who have no idea where they are
going. It's a big investment with no guarantee for success; a recipe for either
disaster or prosperity. That is why courage is important, and I don't have any
at all. I stay shut in my apartment between classes, I may speak to a handful
or people throughout the day, and I have no idea what I'm even doing here half
the time. I'm glad to say that walking the campus with a cool breeze in my face
helps lift my spirits and gives me energy. The chill gives me a positive vibe,
and I can't help but feel brave, even peaceful.
I remember the respect I
felt for this man and what he deals with every day. As for me staying shut in
my apartment all the time and not speaking, I’ve gotten much better. I go out
more, I eat at the GUC, and I talk to people in class and at work. I just wish
it would stay cold so I could feel like I have more courage. I don’t feel
strong when I’m about to have a heat stroke. Anyway, here is the better part of
“Service”:
Last week, the president of Bank
Independent spoke to my class about the ideals the employees of Bank
Independent should have. He explained service, among other things, and how his
employees always try to help customers as though they were family. I think
service is important, not only in a job, but just in everyday life. Hold doors,
pick up a dropped book for someone, smile at people, say "Hi",
whatever. The things you do don't even have to deal directly with others. Pick
up your own garbage; clean up after yourself; clean your own lint out of the
dryer. If every person took this approach, I believe people would be..well,
just better. Nicer, cleaner, more respectful. If every individual took
it upon himself or herself to go the extra mile (or even extra foot), then
people could get along and live peacefully.
This easily reflects my cynical views of
the world. It needs great improvement, and people need to be nicer, kinder, and
more considerate. Originally, I dismissed the idea of service, believing it
wasn’t really a value by which to live. After hearing this man speak, I really
thought about it and decided that service is among the most important values.
Moving right along, we have “Plan,” which I feel will be very interesting:
I've never been good at planning, at
least not the detailed part. I think this suits me well enough, considering I'm
an impulse person. I need wiggle room. I don't want everything written down; I
want some things to catch me by surprise. However, I have a general idea of
what I want for my life. As of right now, my plan is to find something I love,
pursue a career in said field, get married, not have kids, and enjoy a life
spent with another person whom I love as we spoil ourselves with vacations and
adventures. But the issue is obvious: it's too vague! I have a 10 year plan
with no 5 year plan; a destination without a map. For many, this is a recipe
for failure. I have no real plan for a career or for college, only for how I
want my life to be. I want to be happy, and if I don't really plan on
"settling down", then it's okay to not have a clear plan. I can do
something for 15 years and then decide to go back to school and learn something
new.
I can tell my indecision and confusion
lasted for weeks. I was still scatterbrained when I wrote “Plan.” I guess I
wanted someone to tell me what to do so I wouldn’t have to make my own
decision. I’m not used to making these decisions; I forget I’m in the real world
now and not still in high school. My plan is less vague: get an accounting
degree and go back to Cullman. Next stop is “Doctors.” I pulled from my own
experience on this one:
Last week, we had a speaker who is a
medical doctor at a local hospital. Our assignment is to discuss the values our
speakers talk about each week, but all I could think about last week was my own
experience in a hospital, especially since the man mentioned he performs minor
surgeries, such as gallbladder removals. I wanted so badly to raise my hand like
a kindergartener and say, "Oh! I had that done just last April!" I
remember my happy little visits, and I must say, I don't think I could ever be
anything in medicine. I know it must take a lot of patience to go into that
field. You must really want to help people to go that far for them. And you
definitely have to be a people person. I'm fairly certain if I walked up to a
stranger with a scalpel and asked if I could slice them open, the answer would
be a no. You have to have a personality with a confidence that your patients
can feel and trust. My first surgeon had to much confidence, though. After my
gallbladder was removed, I was back in the ER two days later because of pain
and dehydration, and no one took me very seriously until they did a CT scan and
found a severe issue with my small intestine. A doctor or surgeon not only
needs to be trustworthy, but trusting of his or her patients as well. And I
know some people complain about minor things, and others like me don't complain
about pain enough, so it's not easy to know how severe a case is. When I was
transferred to Children's Hospital in Birmingham, my surgeon was calm and
honest, and I trusted him immediately. Every doctor I dealt with was
straightforward, and I liked that about them. I know it can't be easy for them,
seeing so many people, answering all the questions with patients and families
hinged on their every word. I don't remember the exact values our class speaker
mentioned, but these two I know from my own experience.
I didn’t cut a lot out of this one
because I don’t remember what exactly the speaker talked about, yet I distinctly
remember my hospital time. I remember my doctors and surgeons, and the trust I
had to put in them all. My next blog was about the issues in my life, not a
value any speaker talked about. This is where I started falling behind as my
stress built. “Slacking? More Like Stressing!”:
Today's post is about my procrastination
tendencies. I have math homework due tomorrow and articles to read by tomorrow
morning, neither of which I have done. I've been missing classes randomly, yet
frequently. I've become a bit of a slacker because I was expecting to go home
after this semester. Now I'm wondering if I should stay. The Department of Housing
is allowing us to move to an apartment far away from the troublesome neighbors,
and without the $50 charge for moving. That will eliminate the stress from the
wall-rattling music, vulgar cursing, and gunshots outside our door. Plus I
won't be able to return to my old job for several months minimum, so I'll have
to job search and possibly fail at that. And lastly, Wallace State, the
community college in my hometown, does not offer the specific major I want. It
seems that I may be stuck here for at least another semester. As it stands, I
am okay with this. I'm willing to give UNA and Florence another chance. To do
this, I need to stop feeling so hostile. I'm always on the defensive, which
makes me tune in to all the negativity around me. Not a healthy lifestyle, I
know. This is a time for change, though. I must learn to adapt. I need to
"expand my horizons."
I suppose this is where I started to
change my mind about everything. I chose to stay here, to change my major, and
to sop resisting the change in my life. My last post, just before this one, is “Epiphany”:
I just wanted to compare my attitude now
to my attitude from when I first started at UNA. When I got here, I was scared,
nervous, terrified, and very anxious. I had no friends, no idea what I was
doing, and no clue where I wanted to go in my life. I was physically sick and I
had it set in my mind that I was going back home after Christmas. Now? I'm
happy. I still miss home, and I still want to go back, but not until I get my
degree. I decided to stay, at least or another semester, and my current major
is accounting. I can do a lot with an accounting degree; I can go anywhere,
work for a huge variety of people and companies, or maybe start my own business
one day. I have several friends, or at least acquaintances, and one very dear
friend, with whom I spend a lot of time. My brother and I are now in our new
apartment, which seems to have a lot of pest problems and small issues.
However, it's so much quieter and more secluded that we don't mind dealing with
minor annoyances for a few days until maintenance can come deal with them. I
guess I chose the title "Epiphany" because I finally realized I
should be here. I like it, for the most part. I hate my job, the terrible
driving habits people exhibit here, the parking lots with no lines or arrows to
indicate where to go, and the fact that I can't have my cat up here. Still,
this is home, temporarily. I'm getting used to city life, even though I hear
people refer to Florence as a "small-town." I struggle not to laugh
aloud when I hear that. Florence isn't a small town, not compared to Cullman.
It's a transition that took a while to make, but I'm getting there.
“Epiphany” basically sums up everything:
the comparison of me now to me four months ago, the sudden clarity, the
realization of where I belong, the apartment change, etc. In conclusion, this
has been “Greatest Hits,” from my first semester at UNA.
